What the Heart Can't Contain

Have you ever been bothered by something so terribly, yet you do not pay much attention, perhaps because you think it's really irrelevant or that you've got other better things to think about rather than being consumed by negative feelings?

And yet at the end of the day, that same thing that you've been trying to disregard becomes your last thought, and it still haunts you. Just as you thought it was nothing big, you begin to recognize something more than what it seems, something so disturbing that eats you up inside. And then finally in your aloneness, when you have disregarded your pride, you acknowledge that yes, this nonsense thing isn't really nonsense at all.

When the heart can't contain this huge deal of burden, it needs a form of letting go. Most often than not, to another heart who's willing to listen, who can still understand between sobs, who doesn't judge, who stays by until you've yelled all you want and until you've cried your heart out.

This amazing heart always comes knocking at your own stubbornness, saying "talk to me…" And when you’ve heed to this call, you'll have the most wonderful peace you never thought could still dominate your once burdened heart. You'll feel love so deep you'll wonder why you even tried to manage it on your own and why you hadn’t opened up before.

When you think nobody would understand and that you've no one to talk to, He is never busy to listen. All He desires is that you pour yourself to Him and what your heart can't contain…He will carry it for you.

Just had such a great time with God last night. =)

He Will Carry Me Cover - Ryan Holliday

Questions on the Big Subject of Christianity

I have this attitude of wanting to be good in everything I decide to do. I want to know everything there is to know. I want to be prepared. So imagine my enthusiasm (Or maybe not. Sometimes my passion just lingers in my head) when I was discussing discipleship concerns with a few people from the church. (Shall I name names? Hehe.)

I don’t want to go into the specifics of what we discussed about. But in general, we decided to focus first on establishing personal relationship with God, thus stressing out the importance of being rooted on God's word, prompting us to put BIBLE and PRAYER on the top list.I don’t know how I got into the path of over thinking (yet again) but after two planning sessions with them, somehow I arrived into this list:

1. Why do you believe what you believe?
2. Why do you do the things that you do?
3. How do you develop a conviction on your faith, enough for you to be willing to die for your faith?
4. How can you make the personal truth of your salvation a general truth for all?
5. How can I prove the authenticity of the bible?

Along the way I asked a couple of people questions related to this list and I got some answers. I was offered answers like “We don't reason. We have faith. It's not by our ways but by God's grace that we disciple people” and verses from the bible saying not to worry for the Holy Spirit will teach you at that time what you should say (Luke 12:11-12).

To be honest, at that time, I never quite understood any of it. I was qualifying all my questions and assessing all the answers given to me. (Talk about being overly critical.)

I was bothered. I was not satisfied, at least intellectually.

Don't be hard on yourself. There are things we really can't explain. Guard your mind, I was told.

Where do you go when you have troubling questions as these?

I got into a conversation with God. I told Him I won’t back off until He gives me the answers. I read the Bible, pleaded for wisdom, and threatened Him that I wouldn’t sleep until I hear from Him.

Without a doubt, He is found by all who seek him earnestly. Here is how the conversation went:

Him: What are you thinking?
Me: Why do we disciple? Bible facts?
Him: Are you afraid that you might be asked something you don’t know how to answer?
Me: Uh…yes.
Him: Do you remember how you were saved?
Me: Yes!
Him: Did you have any questions when you accepted me as your Lord and Savior?
Me: No…I just believed…
Him: Look back at what I told you last night...

Bingo!

I had issues on the how’s and why’s of everything. Again, I have this attitude of wanting to be good in everything I decide to do. I want to know everything there is to know. I want to be prepared.

But then again, I forgot that it’s not about me, nor my own capabilities, nor my own intellect. So that was what Psalms 3:5 meant. Trust me with all your heart and lean not on your understanding. Acknowledge me and I will make your paths straight.

I passed by that verse, even wrote it in a post-it and stuck it on my bedroom wall. But it didn’t mean anything to me (although I felt it should) until I had that conversation with God.

Christianity is never about us. Everything works to give glory to God and not credit to men. We don't change people. We don't make them believe. It is by God's grace. Now it makes sense.

Do I want to be all planned up? All geared to disciple? I can never be. My own understanding can never equate His wisdom and His plans outweighs my own.

(Oh, did I not answer the questions above? This post is not meant to answer those. I got the answer I needed. And I am satisfied.)

In His Eyes

Chocolate brown skirt. Alas! After sifting through the rack, I thought I must have it. It should be the first skirt I’d ever have in my closet. I hurried to the fitting room and tried it on, which took me a few minutes. The other ladies outside must have already been annoyed, but I couldn’t care less. I simply stared at myself in the mirror, not even attempting to turn around to get a better look. Not an angle could give a better look anyway. I sighed then finally decided to put my jeans back on. I lifted the skirt, disappointed. To add up on my excitement-turned-frustration episode, as soon as I stepped out of the fitting room, right in front of me was a tall, slender lady with long hair, wearing a casual white tank top and a flowing floral skirt, fit for the summer. Yeah right, thanks for that one, I thought, then slipped through the pack of all the other girls hurrying for the last day of sale. Isn’t it exasperating to want something so badly and yet you can’t have it for several reasons you just refuse to accept? This may mirror just a petty incident that all of us face in our daily, should I say struggles, in life. Most of us crave for things that we believe can make us look good. We follow fashion trends and admire those TV icons wearing some signatures clothes that make us want to look just like them, and we feel bad if we don’t. We set aside a huge deal of our income for something to buy for ourselves: a new pair of shoes, new cocktail dress for “emergency” purposes, new bangles and accessories, or a chocolate brown skirt. We are bombarded by the special services from the medical experts and we fall for all the “you need me” products. But I’ve got news for you, we really don’t. And why exactly do we want to look good? To make us feel good about ourselves? To get approval from other people? All for show. We love to see people swooning as we pass by or at least whisper “I love that top, where did she get that?” We stand tall, thinking yeah I’m beautiful. And after that, what? Does the color of our skin tell the goodness of our thoughts? Does the amount of fat we have suggest what’s inside our hearts? Do the clothes we wear reflect our capability to love and care for other people? Or does the paint we use in our face define who we truly are? I must say, absolutely not. Although our being can never be equaled to what is visible to us, it’s tough to see right through one’s heart, because we are easily deceived by what is seen by our naked eyes. The good news is there is someone who would not give even the slightest value on everything physical about us. We may be the fattest creature on earth that we just have bulges everywhere, or we may have the roughest skin that could be mistaken from a pumice stone, but He just wouldn’t care. We may have exaggeratedly active oil glands that produce the worst acne or we may not be able to wear the very style we want, but it’s still not going to get His attention. There is a whole lot more in this world that is far more important than what we believe is a life-and-death situation in terms of physical appearance. The top models with the most perfect body do not necessarily mean they are happy. It’s not of this body that defines us. It’s nothing but flesh. And our God is least concerned about the flesh. Let us not overemphasize on what can be seen physically. We are fearfully and wonderfully made by God. We are unique in every way. And God has made us for more meaningful purposes than to just look good. A short story mentions an old man who would fit to the word ugly. Yes that’s the word: ugly. Yet, people love him for his genuine and sincere heart, making him the most beautiful person they have ever met. It may sound cliché but it’s true. When I was battling with a skin allergy that led me to the point of hopelessness, I cried out to God and He did comfort me. He knew what I was going through and He showed me mercy. Then a good friend told me: You know what, healing your skin is the least that God can do for you. This isn’t just about physical appearance. It’s all about who we are in God’s eyes. We can’t pretend with Him, nor can we deceive Him. Despite the most expensive clothes we wear, we are naked in Him. And I think pleasing my God is more important than placing a show for all these people who know not a single thing about me. I’d rather be the ugliest person on earth, yet the most radiant, beautiful angel in His eyes.