I have this attitude of wanting to be good in everything I decide to do. I want to know everything there is to know. I want to be prepared. So imagine my enthusiasm (Or maybe not. Sometimes my passion just lingers in my head) when I was discussing discipleship concerns with a few people from the church. (Shall I name names? Hehe.)
I don’t want to go into the specifics of what we discussed about. But in general, we decided to focus first on establishing personal relationship with God, thus stressing out the importance of being rooted on God's word, prompting us to put BIBLE and PRAYER on the top list.I don’t know how I got into the path of over thinking (yet again) but after two planning sessions with them, somehow I arrived into this list:
1. Why do you believe what you believe?
2. Why do you do the things that you do?
3. How do you develop a conviction on your faith, enough for you to be willing to die for your faith?
4. How can you make the personal truth of your salvation a general truth for all?
5. How can I prove the authenticity of the bible?
Along the way I asked a couple of people questions related to this list and I got some answers. I was offered answers like “We don't reason. We have faith. It's not by our ways but by God's grace that we disciple people” and verses from the bible saying not to worry for the Holy Spirit will teach you at that time what you should say (Luke 12:11-12).
To be honest, at that time, I never quite understood any of it. I was qualifying all my questions and assessing all the answers given to me. (Talk about being overly critical.)
I was bothered. I was not satisfied, at least intellectually.
Don't be hard on yourself. There are things we really can't explain. Guard your mind, I was told.
Where do you go when you have troubling questions as these?
I got into a conversation with God. I told Him I won’t back off until He gives me the answers. I read the Bible, pleaded for wisdom, and threatened Him that I wouldn’t sleep until I hear from Him.
Without a doubt, He is found by all who seek him earnestly. Here is how the conversation went:
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: Why do we disciple? Bible facts?
Him: Are you afraid that you might be asked something you don’t know how to answer?
Him: Do you remember how you were saved?
Him: Did you have any questions when you accepted me as your Lord and Savior?
Me: No…I just believed…
Him: Look back at what I told you last night...
I had issues on the how’s and why’s of everything. Again, I have this attitude of wanting to be good in everything I decide to do. I want to know everything there is to know. I want to be prepared.
But then again, I forgot that it’s not about me, nor my own capabilities, nor my own intellect. So that was what Psalms 3:5 meant. Trust me with all your heart and lean not on your understanding. Acknowledge me and I will make your paths straight.
I passed by that verse, even wrote it in a post-it and stuck it on my bedroom wall. But it didn’t mean anything to me (although I felt it should) until I had that conversation with God.
Christianity is never about us. Everything works to give glory to God and not credit to men. We don't change people. We don't make them believe. It is by God's grace. Now it makes sense.
Do I want to be all planned up? All geared to disciple? I can never be. My own understanding can never equate His wisdom and His plans outweighs my own.
(Oh, did I not answer the questions above? This post is not meant to answer those. I got the answer I needed. And I am satisfied.)