Thursday, May 28, 2009

What the Heart Can't Contain

Have you ever been bothered by something so terribly, yet you do not pay much attention, perhaps because you think it's really irrelevant or that you've got other better things to think about rather than being consumed by negative feelings?

And yet at the end of the day, that same thing that you've been trying to disregard becomes your last thought, and it still haunts you. Just as you thought it was nothing big, you begin to recognize something more than what it seems, something so disturbing that eats you up inside. And then finally in your aloneness, when you have disregarded your pride, you acknowledge that yes, this nonsense thing isn't really nonsense at all.

When the heart can't contain this huge deal of burden, it needs a form of letting go. Most often than not, to another heart who's willing to listen, who can still understand between sobs, who doesn't judge, who stays by until you've yelled all you want and until you've cried your heart out.

This amazing heart always comes knocking at your own stubbornness, saying "talk to me…" And when you’ve heed to this call, you'll have the most wonderful peace you never thought could still dominate your once burdened heart. You'll feel love so deep you'll wonder why you even tried to manage it on your own and why you hadn’t opened up before.

When you think nobody would understand and that you've no one to talk to, He is never busy to listen. All He desires is that you pour yourself to Him and what your heart can't contain…He will carry it for you.

Just had such a great time with God last night. =)

He Will Carry Me Cover - Ryan Holliday

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Questions on the Big Subject of Christianity

I have this attitude of wanting to be good in everything I decide to do. I want to know everything there is to know. I want to be prepared. So imagine my enthusiasm (Or maybe not. Sometimes my passion just lingers in my head) when I was discussing discipleship concerns with a few people from the church. (Shall I name names? Hehe.)

I don’t want to go into the specifics of what we discussed about. But in general, we decided to focus first on establishing personal relationship with God, thus stressing out the importance of being rooted on God's word, prompting us to put BIBLE and PRAYER on the top list.I don’t know how I got into the path of over thinking (yet again) but after two planning sessions with them, somehow I arrived into this list:

1. Why do you believe what you believe?
2. Why do you do the things that you do?
3. How do you develop a conviction on your faith, enough for you to be willing to die for your faith?
4. How can you make the personal truth of your salvation a general truth for all?
5. How can I prove the authenticity of the bible?

Along the way I asked a couple of people questions related to this list and I got some answers. I was offered answers like “We don't reason. We have faith. It's not by our ways but by God's grace that we disciple people” and verses from the bible saying not to worry for the Holy Spirit will teach you at that time what you should say (Luke 12:11-12).

To be honest, at that time, I never quite understood any of it. I was qualifying all my questions and assessing all the answers given to me. (Talk about being overly critical.)

I was bothered. I was not satisfied, at least intellectually.

Don't be hard on yourself. There are things we really can't explain. Guard your mind, I was told.

Where do you go when you have troubling questions as these?

I got into a conversation with God. I told Him I won’t back off until He gives me the answers. I read the Bible, pleaded for wisdom, and threatened Him that I wouldn’t sleep until I hear from Him.

Without a doubt, He is found by all who seek him earnestly. Here is how the conversation went:

Him: What are you thinking?
Me: Why do we disciple? Bible facts?
Him: Are you afraid that you might be asked something you don’t know how to answer?
Me: Uh…yes.
Him: Do you remember how you were saved?
Me: Yes!
Him: Did you have any questions when you accepted me as your Lord and Savior?
Me: No…I just believed…
Him: Look back at what I told you last night...


I had issues on the how’s and why’s of everything. Again, I have this attitude of wanting to be good in everything I decide to do. I want to know everything there is to know. I want to be prepared.

But then again, I forgot that it’s not about me, nor my own capabilities, nor my own intellect. So that was what Psalms 3:5 meant. Trust me with all your heart and lean not on your understanding. Acknowledge me and I will make your paths straight.

I passed by that verse, even wrote it in a post-it and stuck it on my bedroom wall. But it didn’t mean anything to me (although I felt it should) until I had that conversation with God.

Christianity is never about us. Everything works to give glory to God and not credit to men. We don't change people. We don't make them believe. It is by God's grace. Now it makes sense.

Do I want to be all planned up? All geared to disciple? I can never be. My own understanding can never equate His wisdom and His plans outweighs my own.

(Oh, did I not answer the questions above? This post is not meant to answer those. I got the answer I needed. And I am satisfied.)